It started about a month ago while I was cleaning up, my back started to ache so badly I needed to sit down. Everyone knows I have a messed up back and it gives me problems every now and again,so I thought that was all it was. After about an hour it subsided and I went on with my night.
Over the next two weeks it happened 3 more times each time getting longer and worse.By the third time it had been six hours of crying pain with no sign of easing, and a new searing pain above my stomach. I decided to go into the Alvarado Hospital ER in case it was something more serious, but mostly just for a prescription of pain killers lol.
9 hours of waiting in pain and and an ultrasound later with Zoe cheerfully by my side, I was finally in a bed with an iv. They said it was gall stones and to go on a bland diet for 24 hours and a follow up with my regular doctor. So I did.
Shortly after that the pain continued and worsened till I could barely stand, I returned to the ER two more times with the same result.
Finally on the 18th The ER sent me upstairs to be admitted for surgery the following day. It was great, I had this beautiful corner private room and plenty of lovely pain killers right into my veins. The pain from the past 3 weeks would finally be taken care of. I was soooo wrong.
The next day a woman came to my room saying she was having trouble with my insurance. She said because I was 19 my insurance would not pay for the surgery unless it was done at a children's hospital. WTF! So later that afternoon I was carted off and transfered to Rady Children's Hospital
I was put into a lesser accommodating room with a roommate and everyone around me treating me as if I were 10. They delayed my surgery to the next day and gave me pain killers that just weren't working. It was a horrible night but luckily Dj was able to stay with me the whole time.
The next day I was carted off yet again except this time to surgery. We were assured it was almost a routine surgery and that it would be less then two hours and I would have to stay for less then a day. Not exactly the way it went.
The surgery took over 4 hours and while under anesthesia I had an asthma attach and my blood pressure shot down. My insides were a mess, my gall bladder so diseased it had fused to my liver and the anatomy of my torso was completely mixed up. The doctor originally had only needed 4 small incisions, 1 for a camera, two for his tools, and one for a drainage tube for any leftover bile. He said if it had been any other doctor in that hospital they would have opened me up.
I was in the hospital for 5 more horribly painful days with the news that I have messed up my body to such an extent, if I don't kick myself in the ass and get it together I wont see my son graduate. I had blood taken 7 times and had 5 separate iv's overall. Uncontrollable Nausea, back pain, only being able to lay in one position night after night.
I was released from the hospital on the 25th but not before getting a 12 inch tube pulled out of my side with nothing for the pain of it. And guess what they didn't send me home with any medication! Woohoo pain!
The worst part of it all is out of all the people who knew I was there and my close friends who knew what had happened. My only real visitor was Scarlette, and of course Cj had to come down in the middle of the night to throw a tantrum and insult me to the point of tears because of his own selfish stupidity. Though it was delightful when the next morning the nurses were all laughing about how ridiculous him and his girlfriend looked coming down the hall in trench coats and sunglasses at 10pm like some low budget scene from The Matrix. No offense to his girl though, she's very sweet and really could do better.
I'm now staying in Santee with my father until I heal up enough to take care of Shamus again since I can't even lift him for another week. Thanx to my fantastic bf who waited on me hand and foot without a complaint for my whole hospital stay.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

I don't know why I havn't written anything in here lately,just slipped my mins I guess.

I turn 18 in 3 days,and guess what I get to do on my birthday all day...... sit at the financial aid office and file for child support and medi-cal.And I'll hopefully get home in time to go out to dinner with Trin and Wes and the kids.

Shea is growing up fast,he'll be walking by his b-day and he's starting to mimick words.He said hi for the first time yesterday on purpose and I luckily got it on the video.He had a doctor's appointment last week and he's perfectly healthy and is on the dot the right height and weight he should be at this age.The only thing wrong is he has a mild case of eczema.

Personally I'm doing alot better then I was.Especially since it's the christmas season and i always feel alot more calm and happy at this time of year.

Current Mood: cheerful

I feel crappy.

Obviously.

I know I'm getting close to having another episode,and I hate that feeling.

It's like knowing your about to get kicked in the face but not knowing exactly when.

I've been trying to stay positive and keep my mind off of....well I don't know.

HA! I don't even know why I feel like crap.

Well I do...kind of.

Whatever.

Current Mood: blah

I'm sitting here hungover and exhausted and embarresed.Earlier today Melanie and me were making breakfast for everyone and thought it would be fun to drink some vodka while doing it.Like most people know about me,I'm a recovering alcoholic and still have trouble controlling how much I drink.Well we were having alot of fun and by the third double shot I wasn't thinking about it anymore and just kept going.I don't even remember when we stopped,my friend Trin was coming over to return my cell and the first thing I can remember is sitting out back having a cig and shivering.She told me when she got here I was laying down and throwing up in the bedroom so she undressed me and put me in the tub.She made me a disgusting concoction of orange juice,raw eggs and hot sauce and made me drink it so I would throw up.I was fucking plowed.She even took the bedding from the other room and threw it in the wash and went and got Melanie to sober her up too,she was passed out in her friend's car.She put me back in bed before she left and cleaned everything up.When my dad got home he saw the shot glasses and the cap to the smirnoff,he woke me up and made me clean the kitchen and make the bed then told me I wasn't allowed to see or speak to Melanie anymore,I was still drunk at this point but I just told him I wasn't feeling good because of my stomach pains that I get.Later on after everything calmed down I went to get a drink from the fridge and grabbed what I thought was a bottle of water and took a big swig and threw up right in the trashcan.IT WAS THE FUCKING VODKA MY EX LEFT HERE!I was pissed,I couldn't believe anything else could of gone wrong before that point.Just that little bit that I ended up swallowing made me feel drunk all over again and I had to lay down.Luckily Shea needed to take a nap as well,so I took a nap and now I'm just a bit hungover.I've never been hungover in the middle of the night.Sitting here thinking about what happned today really scares me,even after all this time of barely ever drinking and not even really thinking about it and being fine without it,I still can't control it.My dad can't even keep any liquor in the house because I couldn't possible be around it and not drink the whole damn bottle.How pathetic is that?Even when I tell myself just one or two shots,after I have even the slightest bit in my system I can't stop until I pass out.I don't even really like drinking or getting drunk that much at all anymore but I can't help it.I've heard from several people how strong I am and how I can handle anything,but how is that true when one bottle of liquor can completely control me.Whenever I think I'm getting better and think I can handle just a little more I totally overdue it.I've gotten alcohol poisoning 4 times in my life,well that's how many times I've gone to the hospital for it anyways.I got fired from HMLC because my younger co-worker got drunk and they automatically assumed she got it from me.I'm terrified of turning 21 someday,now it's pretty easy to not have it around me esspecially if I really want it,I can't just go buy it.But what about when I can,I can't say that I wont go grab a bottle whenever I think I need it.And I know the person this hurts the most is my son,and I've got to stop.

Current Mood: drunk

I felt like writing something so I'm just going to write prolly about nothing.I'm really upset with the internet tonight,whenever I try to do anything it screws me over with it's screwy overness.I dunno.I'm on the phone with Sam and I'm waiting for him to ask me what I'm typing so much for.doo be doo.I was supposed to get off the comp like over half an hour ago but my dad's asleep so fuck it whatever I don't feel like laying on that crappy old couch right now.I wish I had a beer or a shot of jager.I think my internet addiction is getting pretty bad cause I found myself thinking I should go to bed early so I can get up and be on the comp earlier.Omg I'm turning into such a nerd I swear.doo be doo.There's a baby attcking my leg right now.AAAAHHHH IT'S DISSOLVING MY LEG WITH IT'S ACIDIC SALIVA SO IT CAN EAT MEEEEEEE!

Anyways,so ya I'm majorly hyper and I wish Sam was here to entertain me.

Current Mood: bouncy

Ok so I had allways heard about youtube from the online community but I had never really checked it out until about 5 months or so ago when a friend of mine sent me a link to Boh3m3.I still never really looked around though,I created an acount and just watched Boh3m3 or whatever Wes would show me when he came over.About a month ago I started surfin around and damn I didn't realize how big and involved a community it was.And now I'm fucking hooked.I still watch Boh3m3 of course but dear god there's alot of fuckin videos on there.I think I spent about 3 hours just watching two channels that I subscribed to today,trying to watch the older ones so I would know what's going on.

Me and Wes have always talked about making videos and hopefully he's gonna pick up a usb cord I need for my dig vid cam tonight.I know we've allready got some funny stuff recorded,I just need to get it on the comp.Unlike alot of people on youtube I'm gonna try to not broadcast my personal life on there like it's entertainment.I wanna make like hilarious baby music videos,I just need to get actual video editing skills.lol.My dad will prolly hate it just cause it would mean me spending more time doing something that gets me nowhere.haha.But at least it should be fun.Maybe Boris will want to be our camera man,hmmmm.

Current Mood: bouncy

Today was terrible,in the morning after my dad went to work I went into his room so I could sleep in the bed and Shea was out here in the living room asleep.I do this every morning and I can easily hear him from the other room to wake me up when he needs me.But when my brother got home he closed my door and played on the comp all day and everytime Shea woke up he would just give him a bottle and he went back to sleep.FOUR FUCKING HOURS when I had already been asleep for two and when I came out here the baby was still asleep.Had no blanket on him,his bottles hadn't been washed beween uses and he was completely soked through his diaper freezing cold.My brother is such a little lazy ass jerk.And he just kept pissing me off all day.an hour before my dad was going to be home I told him to get off te comp and do his chores so that I wouldn't get yelled at and 30 mins later he was still playing on this god damn thing.And when I yelled at him to get off he got mad and yeeled back at me.Then when I was already pissed at him making HIS dinner he walked up and just started poking me in the side saying "poke" "poke".I wanted to fucking kill him.This boy is fucking gonna be 15 in a week and he behaves like a 2 fucking year old.Ugh!When my dad had gotten home that night and I told him about the baby thing he said I was to hard on Brandon and that I should appreciate that he watched him for me and let me sleep.DID I ASK HIM TO!NO!HAD I NOT TOLD HIM SEVRAL TIMES BEFORE NOT TO JUST LET ME SLEEP!NO!DO I NOT ALREADY DO EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE THAT I NEED TO WAKE UP AND CLEAN AND CLOTHE A WET FREEZING BABY AND STILL BE EXPEXTED TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND COOK DINNER AND MAKE SURE THAT A FUCKING PUNK 15 YEAR OLD DOES HIS FUCKING HOMEWROK!NO!

I realized today how much I'm looking forward to moving to kentucky.I wasn't sure if it was what I really wanted and if I would be happy until the last few days.Besides a few here the people who have been there for me the longest and who have done the most to help me are in Kentucky and Virginia.I thought I was leaving because I didn't have a choice but it's really what I want to do.I've never had a real family life like a mom and a dad in the same house always being there for all of us.I've never lived somewhere that I knew I would be able to come home to everyday.I've never been happy in a home with any members of my family.

I'll be moving in with my good friend Amy who I've been friends with for years and her husband Nathan who I've gotten very close to since they got married last year and he's like a big brother to me.They also just had a baby boy 3 months ago named Gabriel.We are all wiccan and have the same ideas and views on family and children and life in general.

Amy is going to be a stay at home mom while nathan goes to work and I work and go to school.She has no problem looking after Shamus as well as her own son.They just got approved for a $200,000 loan and are going to be getting a condo once I'm out there.Three bedrooms,one for them,one for the kids and one for me and Sam.I've always thought of my friends as my family and now I'm finally going to have the family I've always wanted.

They know I want to travel and experience different lifestyles so whenever I decide to travel somewhere they say I will always have a home to come back to.At first I thought they were just trying to help but they really want me to be around for as long as possible,at least a year or two or whenever I decide to get an apartment or move somewhere else.

I talk to Amy a few hours everyday and most of the time the move is all we talk about.I love them so much,they have always made me feel like a part of their family.

I have some very close friends in Virginia as well that I'll be able to go see now that I'll be closer.And Shea's father's family lives in Iowa so I can finally spend some time with them as well.And part of my family lives in Georgia.

I'm gonna need alot of help getting all of my things out of storage and sorting through it before I move in January so I can ship everything I want to keep over to Amy and Nathan.And I'm gonna have to sell the diaper changer,the crib,the swing,some of the toys and alot of my furniture and just replace them once I move out there.But it's all gonna be worth it and I can't wait.

Current Mood: excited

nothing to do,nothing to do.hmmm.nothing to write about either I guess.

stupid nothingness!

Current Mood: blank

For the past few weeks I had been thinking about my ex girlfriend Melanie alot and tried to get ahold of her.When I finally did she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore.Even though we weren't together it still really hurt, it's not that I wanted to get back together but I never thought she would stop loving me.Then I didn't hear from her so I thought she wasn't talking to me,but yesterday without warning she showed up here.I was asleep and she came in,woke me up and pinched me saying I wasn't dreaming,but I still couldn't believe she was standing there.We went to the beach cause she hadn't seen the ocean in a long time,it was pretty chill until we were sitting on the rocks talking about old times and she told me she missed me.I wanted to cry right then and there.We went and got coffee and looked in the shops then sat down to have a smoke.I wanted to get some pictures and when I got the camera to take the picture the first time,she kissed me on the cheek,it almost scared me it was so unexpected.We hung out a while longer and then came back to my house since she still needed to drive 4 hours back to Joshua Tree.We went and sat on my back porch to talk for a bit before she left and it got pretty emotional.Everything that we had been avoiding talking about got brought up,well most of it anyways.I wanted to get one more picture and we kissed for the first time in over a year I think.Right before she left she started crying,things in her life were alot worse then she had lead me to believe before.I told her I wanted her to come with me to Kentucky and start over her life though she didn't agree I think she'll eventually come around.Her brother lives in the nesxt state over and she would like to move in with him at some point so coming with me would just help her get closer and away from alot of things.I'm glad I saw her but at the same time I wish she had just stayed away,at least for a while.When I didn't have to see her all the time and we didn't talk much it was easier for me to try and get over my want to be with her.But seeing her so soon after the conversation we had had sent me on a rollercoaster ride.I could barely stand to let her go.A hug and a kiss and then she was in the car and I just kept walking and didn't look back at her because I couldn't bare to watch her leave me again.I know us being together will never work and we were nuts to ever think it would,but that doesn't stop the hurt.Maybe it isn't a good idea for her to come with me and live me but I can't leave her here to waste her life away in that shithole she lives in.Last time we were that far apart there was nothing I could do about it but this time there is.I don't know what I would do if she needed help or something happened to her and I was to far away to do anything.Jeese, I miss her so much,but I need to let her go for a while.

Current Mood: weird

I just found out today that my mother might not be getting out of jail on the 20th,she might not be getting out for a long time.There are more charges against her,and she's going back to court tommorow.I'm so sick of dealing with all her god damn stupid mistakes.I planned the next four months around her getting out on the 20th and now I don't know what I'm going to do.I was supposed to go back to work and she was going to watch Shamus and then I would actually have money for all the little expenses and maybe to have a nice christmas this year.And I was supposed to go to Vegas for my b-day and now I can't even do that.I can't even visit her without getting pissed and yelling at her for being so fucking stupid.I love my mom but I hate her at the same time,she's never going to grow up and it's sad to think that I'm more mature then my own mother.She's supposed to be my romodel not the person who's an example of who I least want to turn into.She's such a good person and she's more inteligent then she lets on and she has alot of skills that she worked hard for,if she'd only grow up she could have anything she wanted.But no,she'll never grow up and I'm tired of defending her and trying to see the good.She says I'm selfish for wanting to move to Kentucky and taking her only grandchild away.But look at where she fucking is,IN JAIL!She's in there because she was selfish,she ruined our lives,in a matter of 3 years we lost everything.I can't even stand to even look at her anymore,it makes me sick.FUCK what am I supposed to fucking do.I made alot of mistakes too but at least I admit it and I grew up and took care of my responsibilities.Well if I've gone this long without her I can handle it.

Current Mood: pissed off

Because I'm to much of a coward to say this to him,and even though he'll never read this I need to let it out.

Joe,
I'll always love you but I realized something.I'm gonna be fine.After all this time of thinking how much better things would be if you were by my side it hasn't changed anything.In fact it just made me feel worse.

The first time you broke my heart I deserved it,but the second you were just being immature.After 10 months of completely cutting me out of your life you appear telling me you love me and miss me and you don't want anyone else.But I guess that was just because you were drunk.You know the only time you really ever said anything sweet when we were together was when you were drunk,now that I think about it,even the first time you ever said you loved me.You say you want to be with me and a week later you say you made a mistake and that it was a bad idea to get back together.You should of thought about that before you came back.Sometimes I think you did it just as some sick joke to get back at me for what I did,though i'd like to think that your better then that.

What hurts the most is I know none of this hurt you even half as much as it hurt me,I know you probably never even think about it anymore.I know you hate me for all the stupid mistakes I made while we were together and you can't ever forgive me.I just wish you would of never come back.Getting over you was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do,but I did it and I was okay,and then you came back and cut open the wound.And I hate you for that.But what I really hate is the fact that I can't ever really hate you,you never did anything wrong.You were always so great and I'm sorry I didn't realize that at the time.

But that's in the past and I'm moving on.Once again,congrats on the engagement and I hope you have a good life.

Current Mood: indifferent

I read a friend of mine's blog a little while ago and it really made me think.She had fallen for someone and moved to another state to be with them,after creating a life together she finds out they don't love her anymore and she moves back home.But she picks herself up and has all these realizations about life and and her interpersonal relationships.I admire her for that.I wanted to get some things out as well,it will most likely be a bit scattered so bare with me.

My whole life I've always had a hard time letting go of past emotions and experiences,and it's really effected my present life.I was told today that I've become unkind and that hit me hard.I'm always playing defense waiting to be attacked.Even with small things I turn them into huge issues,but I don't mean to.I'm just always comparing current situations to past ones and I remember how they ended and then automatically assume it's the same thing. Hopefully now that I've realized that,I'll learn to stop.I know it's partly because I'm still in some way or another connected to all these past events by being here.

I think everyone should have the chance to let go and start over once in their life.And I can't wait for mine.I'm officially moving to Kentucky at the beginning of next year and starting over.I've moved around from place to place my whole life and that's how I like it,but I've always ended up back in San Diego.There's just to much here that I can't get away from anymore.People,memories,places...

I've been trying to look at my life from a different perspective and I think I'm finally getting it.I'm learning to let go and be realistic about certain things.It feels like a piece of me changes everyday for the better and though some of it's painful,it's worth it.In the past 18 months I've turned into a different person,a better person.I used to look back and hate who I used to be,but if I hadn't been that person then I would never have become who I am today.My few friends who have been there the whole time have told me how proud of me they are for how much I've changed and improved my life.I'm not saying I'm anywhere close to perfect but compared to what I came out of it's pretty damn close.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about relationships and love.People throw that word around way to easily,I know I have.Why is it we feel such a need to have someone,are we incapable of functioning alone?I used to think that way,that I couldn't be completely happy without being with someone.Hearing the word love scares me,I've heard it so many times and it's always ended badly.But as I'm sitting here knowing that I don't have anyone I'm tied down to,I'm happy.I'm not saying that I want to be single forever but I think before you can be in a meaningful relationship,you need to learn how to be by yourself happily.It took me a while but I'm finally getting it.

The major things I need to work on now is figuring out what exactly I want out of life.My career,family,where I want live...Everything.I seem to change my mind every few months.There are so many things I want to do in my life and so much I want to expose Shea to.I want to travel with him like I did with my mom,and I want him to experience everything I can show him.I want to be involved in a career with animals,something that could really make me feel fulfilled,like I'm making a difference even a small one.

I've got my zest for life back and I can't wait to start on my new path.

Current Mood: rejuvenated

I was oing through some old myspace messages trying to find something and I came across all the old messages that Damo(boyfriend who passed away)sent me when we furst started dating.I don't know why but I started reading them thinking they would meake me smile or something.I got through about half of them before I started crying uncontrolably.I started thinking of when he would come over everyday and we'd watch movies or play videogames or just sit and talk on the couch.He never tried to grope me or did anything without making sure it was mutual,I loved it,it was like he was my best friend and my boyfriend.He made me laugh so much by the time he left my sides would be hurting.Even with all these great momories I couldn't block out that one terrible night.I can't stop thinking of how much better things would be right now if he was still here,I know that sounds selfish,but I just want him here so bad.I would give anything to have him back.The first time we kissed he had come over in the morning and we were sitting on the couch for over an hour just talking and he told me I was the most amazing person he had ever met and he kissed me.I sleep on that same couch every night and I almost hate it,sometimes I just want to throw it out so I don't have to look over at it and see him all the time.They say time heals all but I don't feel any better then I did almost 7 months ago.I can't believe it's been that long,it feels like it was only maybe a week ago.I don't think anyone is ever going to be able make me feel the same way Damo made me feel.

Current Mood: depressed

Jason got back last week and I've spent all of 3 hours with him.We've been having problems,well he's been having problems.I thought everything was fine but he stood me up on friday and then I didn't even really talk to him until yesterday.On wednesday I went to his myspace profile to copy a pic comment that he had gotten that I thought was funny,and I saw a girls main pic who had left him comments.It was a picture of her and him in some kind of bar and her headline was "he's home and I'm lovin it".I didn't tell him about it,I just straight out asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no.He's never given me a reason not to trust him so for now I'm just going to believe him.He's so different now for some reason,like really distant and it feels like I don't know him at all anymore.We had a long conversation yesterday about it though I don't know if we really got anything worked out besides that were in his words kind of still together.He's been dealing with alot of shit since he got home though so maybe it will just get better when he gets things worked out.When we were talking yesterday he was supposed to be leaving in 3 hours to go visit his family in Chicago.But since we talked and were ok again he said he was going to delay his flight so I could stay the night at his house before he left,I was stunned at this because for the most part I thought he was going to break up with me.So he was going to come pick me up but when he called to change his flight he found out it wasn't refundable so he had to leave.He's going to be gone for 20 days and he was supposed to call me right before he got on the plane but of course he didn't.Though he does have memory loss problems so he might of just forgotten to.

Current Mood: confused

Ok well plans chenged and Jason isn't getting in until 2am on wednesday morning so I'm not going to see him until thursday when him AND HIS PARENTS come pick me up to go out for the day.And I just found out last night that he told his parents I'm 22.How the fuck am I supposed to pull that off I mean come on.Maybe 20 but 20fuckin2 no way.What if they want to go out to a bar or something, what then.This is going to be so weird,I can't wait until they ask about what my mother does for a living "oh she works in the kitchen at the santee woman's detetntion facility".Jason is really pissed cause his ex-wife while he's been gone moved back to Chicago with their daughter and didn't even tell him.And the whole plan with that was his parents were going to bring her back when they fly out here but now his ex is saying that she's not letting them take her back so he wont even get to see her when he gets off the plane.But since the minute he's back in the states custody gets returned to him he going out to get her on the 25th.Fuckin ex's I swear,I told him we should take my son's father and his ex and put them in a car and push it off a cliff but he said he'd rather just blow it up.If I ever see this bitch I'm gonna fuckin slit her throat.So she better not try to fuck with him again.

Current Mood: anxious

So i've finally decided what I'm doing for my B-day.I'm going to Las Vegas for 5 days,my friend Anna lives out there so I'll have someone to show me around the town.I can't wait to turn 18,I'll be drinking in mexico oh so much.And being able to buy my own cigs for once is a real perk lol.

Current Mood: cheerful

My boyfriend gets home next tuesday and I am so nervous to finally see him. I'm going to meet him at the base after he gets off the plane with my friend Trin and her new husband. But the scary thing is that his family is going to be there as well,I've never met his family so this is going to be incredibly weird. I don't really want to meet his family that way but I promised I would since they usually live in Chicago and are only going to be here for a few days when he gets home. My dad is going to be out of town the 17th through the 19th so I'm hoping to either stay at Jason's place in oceanside or just have him stay down here with me woohoo. Were talking about if things work out between us that I'll be moving in with him, which would mean I wouldn't need to leave cali. He has a 3yr old little girl that is very protective over him though so if that does ever happen it wouldn't be for a while so that she can adjust, well that's what I want to do at least. Though he would be happy if I moved in the day he comes home.lol. Oh I can't wait until Tuesday.

Current Mood: nervous

Wow I am so sorry that I havn't updated this in so long.I found out that I wasn't pregnant but the symptoms were a result of some serious medical conditions that I now need to deal with.I don't really want to go into detail though,I'm not dying or anything.

Hmm in the last 3 months what has happened?
I never was able to move out,Wes and I both lost our jobs and couldn't afford to get an apartment though now I realize that we wouldn't do well living together anyways.So I'm still stuck in this hell.But hopefully not for long.

My son's father Cj get's out of jail in a couple days as far as I know,and it pisses me off.He was supposed to be in there until october and he had time added so he was supposed to be in there even longer.I don't know wtf he did to get out.Prolly fucked one of the guards or something(just being spiteful).

My mother gets out in a few weeks though which I am extremely happy about cause that means I get to go back to work woohoo!Finally my own money and time away from the cave on a regular basis.She's going to be under house arrest though which is good cause then she can't sneak away to the bar every 5 minutes.

My friend Amy and her husband Nathan just had their baby a couple weeks ago and I'm going to go see them for three weeks this month to visit and help out.But I can allready see world war 3 happening at some point between the three of us.

I finally have somewhat of a social life again.I've been getting invited to quite a few parties and such so it feels good to be back in the loop.I'm going to a rave called Nocturnal in September and I can't wait.

My friend trinity is getting married on Friday,wow I can't believe it.I remember when I met her and she was pregnant she was always so quiet and nice.Then we went to highschool together and she had her little boy Connor who was absolutely the light of my life for a while.We became best friends and I was always with her and Connor.Then when she met her fiance Eric,me and him did not get along at all,he would get mad because she was with me so much then eventually of course she chose to spend more of her time with him.They broke up several times and for the first year they went back and forth we couldn't stand eachother.Then they broke up and she met another guy,dumped him got back with Eric they broke up again and she got with another guy when Eric went off to army boot camp.When he came back they had both grown up and finally decided that they were going to stay together this time and that's when they told me they were getting engaged and now me and Eric get along great.I knew this would happen eventually but it feels like it was just yesterday that Connor was a baby and Trinity was a crazy immature teen,and now Connor is almost 3 and Trin is getting married.Time goes by way to fast.In the last 3 years I don't feel like I've accomplished much of anything
though I know I have,it;'s just scary to see all my friends going off and starting all their exciting new lives.Four of my friends have gotten married in the last year,three have had kids,and one has gone away to college in another country.I was supposed to be starting my second year of college next month.And I havn't even started.

Wow this small update has turned into a major life thinker.

Well that's enough for now,that's really enough for now.

Current Mood: contemplative

I havn't written about this yet and felt that I needed to.I'm pregnant again,morning sickness started kicking in a few days ago.I really want to have the baby and just give it up for adoption but unfortunately if my family knew they would throw me and my son out with no where to go.I hate this it's not fair,I've been part of the pro-life teen organization for almost 5 years,I don't believe in abortion but I don't have a choice.If it was just me and I didn't already have a baby I wouldn't care about being on the streets,but I can't do that to my son.I can't go to the father because he knows about it and told me that I had to get an abortion so he obviously wont help.I'm moving out in less then two months but I wont be able to hide the pregnancy that long.Fuck I'm such an idiot,why do i always do this stupid shit.I don't even deserve to have children anymore.I'm irresponsible,immature,and just fucking retarded.I'm going to a clinic on friday to confirm the pregnancy and get an appoinment at an abortion office.I keep thinking to myself that I want someone to save me but I shouldn't be saved,I need to grow up and save myself.

Current Mood: scared

Well I don't really have much to write about.My mother has been transferred over to Jail but hopefuly she only has to be in there for two months instead of 6.I've decided that I'm going to go back to dating woman for a while,since I obviously have no luck with finding a good guy.I mean I don't have a problem finding a guy to be with since there are plenty that want me it's just finding a half decent one is the problem.I miss girls anyways.There is a girl that I'm kind of interested in but I don't really here the best things about her unfortunately.Well that's about it.bye bye.

Current Mood: blah